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The Things You Really Want to Say to Your Employees
Originally Posted 07/20/10

Things have certainly changed throughout the years when it comes to handling employees. In the early years, you could actually correct an employeeís behavior without labor board suits, lawyers and incredibly stupid state laws. Just think, if someone did something stupid, you could say something directly without filling out 14 pages of reports necessary to cover yourself in the coming lawsuit.

Once upon a time for example, one could take an employee aside and clearly explain that showing up 30 minutes late four days in a row is bad form and the sign of a truly lazy ass, irresponsible, worthless person. Today, that employee will walk out crying if you even mention her performance and you will contacted by a lawyer on discrimination and her father will call as well chewing your ass since his precious princess daughter, who is only 24 and who has never been told "noĒ in her life, canít yet handle her own life.

And since she still lives at home, you have no leverage on her anyway because all she does is quit the job whenever the spoiled brat doesnít get her way. Why work when daddy and mommy will take care of her until she can find herself and the perfect job?

Here are the things I would really like to say to all those employees over the years that have felt the world owes them a guaranteed job on their terms and at their convenience:

No, you are not sick. Get your ass to work. You are 25 years old, have been drinking all night and are so hung over you canít breath, but you are not sick, you are stupid and worthless. And please donít start the fake, I donít feel good on Thursday because you are setting me up to call in sick on Friday so you can have a three-day beach weekend. You are young and healthy and are not sick, you are just young, healthy and a pathetic liar who doesnít want to work.

You are fired because you didnít do the work. You are not fired because you are black, white, green or red. You are not fired because it is discrimination. You are fired because a drunken monkey is more dependable than you are. Donít call the labor board, donít call the state, just realize that you didnít do what you were paid to do and you are fired because I counted on you to work and you didnít. It is your fault you are lazy, not mine, and you werenít fired because of your race, color or sexuality, but because I am in business and you are getting in my way of staying in business.

Donít ever, ever tell me again that your alarm didnít go off. You are late because you were too drunk to set the alarm or too drunk to hear it go off.

There is a whole town out there. Do you really have to boink every female member I have in just three months and them piss them all off so they want to quit? Can you not find a way to get laid without costing me money? Do these women know that you still live at home and make $10 per hour?

This is my club and those are my group classes. You will do it my way. You will not use the front of the group room to vent in front of your class how unfair it is that I wonít add 12 more classes because you want to teach jazzerbutt classes or some other nonsense. And sending all the members to the desk to bitch in your behalf does not make me want to give you those classes. It makes me want to throw your lame ass, diva butt out of my club along with your head set and giant cup of Starbucks coffee.

Yes, you are a decent trainer but no, you are not entitled to 80% of all the money I charge for you. You are not a rock star, movie idol, television hero or international celebrity. You are a clipboard cowboy dude, who spends his life rolling around sweaty people on the floor because you donít know how to be a real coach/trainer and go for the big money. You are using my stuff, in my business, with my members and I am giving you enough already. And yes, you have to sign a non-solicitation agreement because you too will be sleeping with one of your clients who will tell you that you are wonderful and should have your own place and that she will put up the money once her divorce is final.

Shut up, show up, and go to work and then we will discuss more money. I will not discuss a raise with you because you need more money to support your lifestyle and because you canít live within your budget. The worst employee in the world is the one who is always broke. No matter how much money I pay you it will all be pissed away on crap. You are broke now because you canít control your own life. You will be broke next year, the year after and broke through three divorces because you will always spend more than you make. It is not my fault you have to have $300 sunglasses when you only make $10 an hour and tap out your credit cards.

You are not my child. I might loan you money to help get a car or improve your life but only after you have worked you ass off in this business proving you deserve a break. I am not a bank or ATM and you are not my obligation.

Here is a concept; try not running out the door three minutes before your shift ends sticking me, the rest of the staff and the members finishing up your work. It is just an idea, but maybe you might run over a few minutes once in awhile and it might take you a few extra seconds to make sure things are right before you leave.

Put your f@#$%&ní cell phone down and help a member. I am not paying you to Facebook, text people watch Youtube or break up by phone while on duty. I am paying you to help my members. Put the damn phone down and go help someone. Itís what your paid to do bucko. You may use your phone on breaks but never at my front desk. Besides, is any call you might get really that important that it canít wait until you go to lunch?

We are a lifestyle business. If you smoke or get fat while working for me I have to fire you. You simply donít understand what we are doing here.

And keeping that theme in mind, no member wants to work out with a fat trainer or group exercise instructor. You donít have to be Angelina Jolie in shape, but you shouldnít have a big muffin top hanging over your tights if you are a group exercise person. Here is a break through thought: get your fat ass in shape if you want to work in a gym. And if I fire you for some other reason, know deep in your heart that you were really fired because your ass in those tights looks like a bag of ferrets trying to escape when you teach. This isnít 1995 and you still arenít the queen of the class. It is 2010 and you might consider changing your workout and shrinking that monstrous butt a few sizes.

Trainer dudes, if you canít do it donít teach it. If you canít shake a 50í rope for two minutes donít stand there laughing at your members while they try. Get in shape, stay in shape and remember that you are a lifestyle role model. This does not mean that you have to workout clients wearing a skintight shirt and shorts that look like you are smuggling bananas out of the country. It does mean that you can demonstrate the exercise and possibly do it as well as your client. If you canít do the demo, donít do the move.

Did you not look in the mirror before you left the house this morning? Do you not have any pride about the way you look? Iron your shirt, comb your hair and take a shower. Get up a few minutes earlier so you donít come slinking in the door with bed head and diesel breath. You are judged as to how you look and if you look like a pile of dog poop ran over by a bicycle tire you are not helping my business or impressing my members.

Notice to all front counter people: you are not dressing to go to a club dancing, you coming to a business to work. Slut clothes, big perfume and bare midriffs are not acceptable at the front counter. And put down your cell phone girl. Play-by-play text messages about how shitty a boss I am because you canít waste the shift with a phone stuck in your ear can wait until you go home to mamma.

I will listen to your ideas. I will pay you well for the ones I like and use, especially if it improves my business. But this is my business and we will, after a careful discussion and explanation so you understand what I am trying to accomplish, will do it my way. If you donít agree, ask and I will explain again. If you still donít agree, quit and go home rather than just acting grumpy and badmouthing me to every member in the club. If you want to do it your way, open your own business and take the beating like every other owner.

Stop showing up to work in a bad mood because you want every person you meet to feel sorry for you. When you come through the door, it is about the members/guests we service. It is not about you and what a miserable bitch you are today. No one cares about your stinking life. We all have problems and yours are no worse than anyone elseís. Stop whining to the members about how sad you are. They donít feel sorry for you and donít want to hear your endless stream of self-pity. What they do want to hear, from a cheerful, professional employee, is when the next class starts or if you can help them with a problem. Suck it up girl and stop bitching about your pathetic life to my members.

This could go on and on, but even this much is better than therapy.

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